Today I got a chance to demonstrate some honest-to-goodness Obi-Wan level Jedi moves on the N-Judah, in front of an appreciative audience.
Now, regular riders of said N-Judah aren’t always aware they are in the presence of a) a loyal rider of the N-Judah and b) the cheapest SOB in town. Especially when it comes to grocery shopping at the Mega Safeway on Market Street.
Not only is this one of the largest Safeways in town, it is also more or less door to door service from Safeway to home. Thus, I being Mr. Thrifty (or Mr. Cheapass, depending on your POV) am unwilling to pay The Man’s cab companies for the ride home.
Now, if I shopped Euro-style, I’d only buy at the local market what I needed that day to make the evening meal. Since we’re Americans, living in America, I’m out for bargains and scan that frakking Safeway insert for the bargains. Americans 1, Eurotrash 0 in my book.
There is one downside, though. Plastic bags. Lots of plastic bags. And when you get on a frakkin’ crowded N-Judah (especially when Yuppies with iPods – aka kids – are on board) God help you if you got more than a fanny pack of crap from your fun run.
That is when I pull out my Jedi moves. Hipster doofuses from around the city are impressed.
What is my move? Simple. I can have as many as eight heavy bags of Whatever in my Safeway bags, carry a 12-er of Pabst and a frakkin’ pizza from the deli, not use the appointed straphangers or poles on our Beloved N-Judah, and surf my way home.
Today I didn’t have quantity, but I did have unwieldy. And thanks to the totally nasty and rude folks with their Legion of iPods (aka children = loud obnoxious accessories they don’t give a hoot about) I had nowhere to hold on much less lean on in my quest home.
Instead,sans pizzas and Pabst, I rode it home surfer style. I could feel the eyes on me, wondering when I’d lose my Japantown treasures, my bottle of sake, my Udon noodles, and God knows what else I picked up in a shopping spree today. And even when we did the patented Muni “Stop Start Stop Start” which has been known to fell even the mighty, I and my tons of alcoholic beverages and assorted knickknacks were not denied. I surfed the N-Judah, bags and all, and I didn’t care who looked.
When I finally got off the train, the hipster skaters looked at me and the hippest one said “Sh*t dude, I was waiting for you to lose it on the train. And yet you didn’t. With all that sh*t. For an older guy you can skate, dude!”
Hell yes I do. And f*ck you for noting my age. I’m not old, I’m 37!
Ah well. I’ll enjoy the recognition of my Jedi skills amongst the Padawan. Meanwhile, the rest of you readers will enjoy the recognition of my skills as a nerd. Enjoy your weekend.
And God help you if you have to ride the N-Judah with groceries and sans me…..